Tortallan Big Brother
by Karly-Ann
Summary: Muwahahahaha!!!! I'm not usually one for comedy fics, but with my evil side unleashed I put 13 Tortallan contestants in a house and YOU get dibs on who goes!!! (Muwahahahaha!) R&R please!!
1. Tortallan Big Brother Intro

DISCLAIMER – I do not own any of these characters, they all belong to Tamora Pierce. Ok? Capiche? You get it? Good. Oh, and I didn't come up with the "Big Brother" idea, k?  
  
A/N – This is my first humour fic, so please be nice. I started this when I was in a writer's block from chapter nineteen, just to "cool off". Dunno if I'll post it. But anyway…  
  
1 TORTALLAN BIG BROTHER  
  
Hello, one and all! Welcome to Tortallan's first series of Big Brother!!  
  
First, let's introduce the housemates:  
  
Sir/Lady Alanna, King's Champion, Baroness of Pirate's Swoop, heir to Barony Olau! (god that's long)  
  
King Jonathan!  
  
Sir Keladry of Mindelan!  
  
Veraldaine Sarrasri, Wildmage of Tortall!  
  
(from the Realms of the Dead) Duke Roger of Conte!  
  
Sir Nealan of Queenscove!  
  
Neal: its Neal, damnit! Neal! Not Nealan – NEVER Nealan!  
  
Numair Salmalin, (uh, what is he again?), Mage (that'll do) of Tortall!  
  
(From life imprisonment), Delia of Eldorne!  
  
Alanna: "Does she really have to come in?  
  
ME: YES! Don't argue with me, or I'll kick you out.  
  
Alanna: Humph!  
  
Sir Cleon of Kennan!  
  
Baron of Pirate's Swoop, George Cooper!  
  
(Also from the Realms of the Dead), Joren of Stone Mountain!  
  
Dom of Queenscove!  
  
And, last of all, Queen Thayet of Tortall!  
  
Thayet: Why was I last?!  
  
Me: Because you just are.  
  
Thayet: But –  
  
Me: NO!  
  
Thayet: But –  
  
Me: NO!  
  
Thayet: But –  
  
Me: Shut up! Where was I? Oh, yes, and, so now I've introduced the housemates, they will enter the house!  
  
*Conversation as the 13 contestants wait to enter the house*  
  
Thayet: Do they have nail files in the house? What house are we actually living in? Does it have servants in there? Are we supposed to wait on ourselves?!?  
  
Alanna: Oh, Thayet, you've seen worse in Scanra.  
  
Thayet: But it's not Scanra here! I've learnt to be a queen! To take pride in my looks!  
  
*Alanna snorts*  
  
Jon: come, now, my lovely wife, everything will be alright!  
  
Thayet (pouting): it better be.  
  
Cleon (to Kel): So, my dove, the house awaits!  
  
Kel: Yeah, I guess.  
  
Cleon: Why so blue, sunshine of my life?  
  
Neal: Do you have to be so annoying Cleon?  
  
Cleon (bristles up and sticks his chest out): I am not annoying, thankyou Nealan!  
  
Neal: It's NEAL! Neal, not Nealan! Neal, Neal, Neal!!  
  
Kel: Wow, Neal, calm down!  
  
Neal: Well it annoys me when I get called Nealan.  
  
Dom: I just call him Meathead. (Shrugs)  
  
Delia: Could we get out of the 426 era please?! (A/N – I can't remember the year Kel and her friends lived in my friend has the books)  
  
Alanna: Lady Delia, please grace us by shutting up.  
  
Delia: Speak for yourself Lady Alanna (by the way "Lady" is italicised if you can't see it)  
  
Roger: Enough with this petty bickering.  
  
Delia (kneeling): Yes, whatever you say master!  
  
Me: Alright, it's time for you to enter the house!!!!!  
  
Stay tuned for Day One in the Big Brother house!!!  
  
~*~  
  
You like? I promise it'll get better when Day One is written. But anyway…  
  
~*~kaz~*~  
  
oh PS I'm commentator and Big Brother, ok? 


	2. Tortallan BIG BROTHER - The First day

A/N – when the text is bold and italicised, "Big Brother"(me) is speaking, which means all the housemates can hear me, just like on the show :P.  
  
Welcome back to –  
  
1 TORTALLAN BIG BROTHER  
  
Me: Welcome one, welcome all, to Tortallan Big Brother. I should probably describe the "house" that the contestants live in. It is made of strong, grey brick, and is fairly large. It has two bedrooms, each with five beds in each. There are, altogether, three doubles and seven singles. There is the Diary Room, with a trained shrink –  
  
Psych – Hey!  
  
Me: I uh, mean, psychiatrist… yeah… psychiatrist, that's it – anyway, there is a common room, with a comfy hearth that they can light themselves – plenty of leaves, don't worry – and some lounges, and a kitchen, and a back yard.  
  
Thayet: What about (goes crimson) what about a loo?  
  
Me: Build a latrine.  
  
Thayet: In the back garden?  
  
Me: Yes in the back yard.  
  
Thayet: No!  
  
Me: Yes!  
  
Thayet: No!  
  
Me: Yes!  
  
Thayet: No!  
  
Me (warningly): Thayet…  
  
*Thayet goes off and sulks*  
  
Me (unnaturally cheery): So anyway, this is the deal: each week (our time)(don't flame me if I'm a bit late in updating) the housemates will nominate three (in some cases five :P{Aussies know what I'm on about}) housemates to be evicted. And then YOU will all vote in terms of reviews. So choose your evictee carefully as you can only review once. And please, it would be nice if you gave a reason for voting for the person.  
  
At the end of one week's time I will count the votes. DON'T think you will know who is going to go because I will ask my family to put votes in too (they are enlightened on Tamora Pierce thanks to my constant gibbering on about her books) and I will vote myself. I will also ask my friends. SO THERE!  
  
Now, we cross live into the BB house as the housemates get accustomed to their new surroundings.  
  
1.1.1 DAY ONE  
  
Jon: I think it is the sensible thing to do to first work out where everyone sleeps.  
  
*At this point Cleon gives Kel a sly smile and Kel looks away, red in the face*  
  
Neal: I bags the double bed!  
  
Alanna: As your knight master –  
  
Neal: Huh hum! I think you mean EX-knight master.  
  
Kel: Whom are you going to sleep with?  
  
Neal: My teddy.  
  
*Cleon bites back a laugh*: Your teddy?  
  
Roger: Enough!  
  
*Silence*  
  
Roger: This is how it goes – first to the bed gets to sleep in it. *Muwahahahaha!* and disappears.  
  
They hear his laugh in one of the bedrooms.  
  
Alanna: Curse you, Roger! I'm going to kill you a third time!  
  
Me: Alanna, you can't kill one of the contestants.  
  
Alanna: Why not?  
  
Me: Because I say you can't.  
  
Alanna: Awwwww. *Stuffs her dagger back in its hilt*  
  
Me: Ok, once you've all sorted out where you are sleeping, meet in the common room.  
  
~ Bedroom One ~  
  
Kel, Cleon, Alanna, George, Joren, and Dom all end up in bedroom one (B1).  
  
Kel: Ok, there is one double bed and four single beds.  
  
Cleon: Just like my dove to take command!  
  
Dom: Shut up, Cleon.  
  
Cleon: Rack off Dom!  
  
Kel: Boys!  
  
Dom: I would like to inform you that we are men Sir Kel.  
  
Kel: You sound like Neal!  
  
Dom: Really?  
  
*Kel raises eyebrows*  
  
Dom: You look like Lord Raoul! Doesn't she Cleon, doesn't she?  
  
Cleon (growling): she looks like herself  
  
Me: Hey! You guys aren't supposed to quote Tamora Pierce in here! Unfortunately me, the writer, doesn't own those lines so you can't use them!  
  
Cleon and Dom: Oh. Sorry.  
  
Alanna: Well, it's obvious George and I should get the double bed.  
  
Joren (dryly): Why is that?  
  
Alanna (blushing slightly): For obvious reasons.  
  
Joren: Like?  
  
Alanna: Well, we're the only couple here –  
  
Cleon: What about – ow! *Kel nudged Cleon hard with her elbow*  
  
Cleon: What? Huh? Oh. Ohhhhhh………  
  
Kel: Alanna and George get the double bed then. And on the count of three we race to the beds to get to the one we want. One… T –  
  
Joren: Three.  
  
*Everyone scrambles for the bed they want*  
  
Kel: Hey that's not fair!  
  
(Amazingly the only bed left is the one next to Alanna and George's double bed.)  
  
Alanna: We're not contaminated!  
  
Dom: We just don't want to be interrupted at night by your noises.  
  
Alanna: What noises?  
  
Joren: Obvious noises.  
  
~*~  
  
Eww…… wonder what they're up to in bedroom two?  
  
~*~  
  
~ Bedroom Two ~  
  
The other contestants, Thayet, Jon. Numair, Daine, Delia, Roger and Neal are all in bedroom two (B2).  
  
Thayet (whining): Jon, do we have to share a room with all these people.  
  
Jon: Yes my dear.  
  
Roger: Enough with the soppies.  
  
Jon: I am King, and you will obey me, cousin.  
  
Roger: Well I would have been King if not for that meddling girlfriend of yours.  
  
Thayet: Girlfriend? Jon, who is he taking about? Alanna? Is he talking about Alanna? Jon, how could you? *Thayet breaks into tears*  
  
Jon (glaring at Roger): Look what you've done now.  
  
Roger: Hey it wasn't me who slept with her.  
  
*Thayet's sobs become louder at the word "slept"*  
  
Jon: Honey –  
  
Daine (who is comforting Thayet): Go to hell Jon. This is women's business.  
  
*Daine takes Thayet to a single bed and lays her down*  
  
Daine: Thayet will sleep here. *She points to the single bed across from it* I sleep there.  
  
Numair: What? What did I do?  
  
Daine: Nothing. But I don't want to disturb you if I need to get up to comfort Thayet in the middle of the night. *Daine glares daggers at Jon*  
  
Numair (sighing): where do I sleep then?  
  
Delia: I don't care, but I'm sleeping here. *Sits gracefully on a single bed*  
  
Neal: What! There's only the double bed left! I'm not sleeping with him! *Points an accusing finger at Roger*  
  
Roger: Fine. *Blasts his Gift down the middle of the bed, slicing it in half*  
  
Me: Oi! Roger! Since when do you have your Gift?  
  
Roger: Where is that voice coming from?  
  
Me: I'm the narrator/author/editor/commander. I can see everything and anything and make comments whenever I wish.  
  
Roger: No!!!! Only I should have power like that!  
  
Me: Tough!  
  
Roger: No! Never! No!!!  
  
Thayet (red and yelling): SHUT UP!!! You're both giving me a HEADACHE!!!!  
  
Daine: Oh, honey, it's ok…  
  
Neal: Do I really have to share a room with these immature adults?  
  
Delia: Well I don't want to share a room with a child.  
  
Neal: A child!  
  
Delia: Yes, a child.  
  
Neal **** you, you ******* *****!  
  
Me: NEAL!  
  
Neal: What? The show's cut. *Grins evilly* Just wait for Tortallan Big Brother, Uncut *flashes big cheesy smile at camera*  
  
Me: Neal, you're not advertising the program you idiot!  
  
This is Big Brother. Contestants, please report to the Common Room.  
  
~*~ In the Common Room ~*~  
  
You have now had several hours to sort out your sleeping arrangements.  
  
At this point Thayet gives daggers to Jon, who is as far away as possible.  
  
You will now have the task of deciding who will be in charge of ordering the food supplies with the house money.  
  
Roger: What kind of supplies?  
  
Neal: Food and such the like, idiot!  
  
Roger: Aw, I wanted Blazebalm.  
  
Kel: You've been dead for years. What could you possibly want with Blazebalm?  
  
Roger: What do you think I want to do with it *grins evilly*  
  
Me: Shut up and listen to BB!  
  
You have a limited amount of money to spend. I will put you through tests and each person who completes the test will earn some amount of money to add to the account.  
  
Thayet: Can we buy whatever we want *eyes glitter*  
  
It is up to the person in charge of ordering it and the rest of the house.  
  
*Thayet stretches hand up excitedly*: Me, me! Oh, me!  
  
It is up to the housemates.  
  
Thayet: Oh, please! Please! Please! Please!  
  
Daine: I personally think Thayet and I would be good for the job.  
  
Jon opens his mouth then thinks better of it.  
  
George: I nominate myself, as I for one would like to eat.  
  
Thayet: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
George: You'll just by a nail file.  
  
Thayet: I can do that!  
  
George: Yeah, but I'd like to pick some of the food we eat.  
  
Ok: We have three nominations for the job. Unfortunately, we can only have two people for it. The three nominees are Daine, George and Thayet. Votes for George:  
  
Alanna, Joren, Roger and Neal raise their hands.  
  
Daine?  
  
Numair, Kel, Cleon and Dom raise their hands.  
  
Thayet?  
  
Jon and Delia raise their hands.  
  
Ok, the food-pickers are Daine and George.  
  
Thayet: How could you all? *Runs off crying into her bedroom*  
  
You are all dismissed.  
  
~*~  
  
Hey would you believe it I wrote more for this one chapter than I do for my Alanna story. 


	3. BB - NOMINATIONS!!

1 DISCLAIMER – Don't own the characters, never have, yadda yadda yadda you know the drill also please remember PG for language, k? (  
  
2  
  
3 Welcome back everyone to…  
  
TORTALLAN BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!!!  
  
Me: Welcome one, welcome all, to another day in the Big Brother household! We will now cross into the house. It is the day after the sleeping arrangements were made, the head of food orders were picked and after the first conflict between Jon and Thayet!!  
  
3.1 BEDROOM TWO  
  
Jon: Thayet, darling wake up!  
  
Thayet: whazzawhywhatsgoinonhere – ah! Jon! Why are you shaking me! Why are you even talking to me?! We're in a fight, remember?  
  
Jon: I thought that was all yesterday.  
  
Thayet: Hmph! Men! *Rolls over in bed*  
  
Jon: *sigh*  
  
3.2 BEDROOM ONE  
  
Cleon: Wake up my rosebud!  
  
Kel: I'm awake you idiot.  
  
Cleon: How come your eyes are closed my petal?  
  
Kel: I'm thinking.  
  
Cleon: About…?  
  
Kel: About stuff.  
  
Dom: Cleon, I think that's a hint for you not to pry.  
  
Cleon: I'll think what I think and I think that that wasn't a hint.  
  
Kel: actually it was.  
  
Dom: I told you so.  
  
Cleon (mocking Dom): 'I told you so'.  
  
Kel: Don't be mean Dom.  
  
*Cleon pulls a face at Dom*  
  
3.3 COMMON ROOM  
  
**At this point in time (three hours after Dawn) five people are in the common room; Jon, Roger, Neal, George and Joren**  
  
Neal: So, men's meeting is it?  
  
Roger: You mean one man, a wus (dunno how to spell that) King, a thief, a childish knight and a weak squire.  
  
Joren: I'm not weak! That damn girl witched me!  
  
*Neal snorts*  
  
Neal: I'm no kid!  
  
Jon: Who are you calling a wus?!  
  
George: I was once I thief, but I know be a baron. But believe me, you give me reason to dislike you, I'd watch those precious robes of yours. *Winks at Roger*  
  
*Roger scowls*  
  
Neal: Who's the man?  
  
*Roger scowls again*  
  
**At present Alanna walks into the room**  
  
*Roger's scowl deepens*  
  
Alanna (cheerfully): what's up your a** my dear sorcerer?  
  
Jon: Alanna, hello.  
  
Alanna: Hello Jon. Thayet talking to you yet? *Grins evilly* *Jon turns red*  
  
**Kel and Cleon enter Common room, arguing together**  
  
Kel: Cleon, no! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, no!  
  
Cleon: Jeez, Kel, no need to get so worked up about it!  
  
Kel: You're constantly harassing me about it!  
  
Cleon: I'll stop, I promise *raises right hand* Swear by Mithros.  
  
Kel (hesitantly): Well, ok.  
  
Joren: What was that about?  
  
Cleon & Kel (a little too innocently): Nothing.  
  
**A yawning/stretching Thayet enters Common room**  
  
Jon: Good morning my darling wife.  
  
Thayet (completely ignoring Jon): Hello Roger, Neal, Keladry, Cleon, Joren, George.  
  
Alanna: What about me?  
  
Thayet (scowling): What about you?  
  
Alanna: Hey, I am not, I repeat NOT having anything to do with the wild rumours. I completely deny them but it's ok if you're mad at Jon as long as you talk to me.  
  
Thayet: Well…  
  
Alanna: remember I saved you and Buri. You owe me one.  
  
Thayet: But we cared for you after you obtained the Dominion Jewel.  
  
Alanna: With the help of Liam.  
  
Thayet: Yeah, but we still put in. Remember Liam helped you save Buri and I anyway. We're still even.  
  
Alanna: Well, well… you stole my guy!  
  
Thayet: WHAT?!  
  
Alanna (laughing): You sound just like the time I told you you'd make a better queen than me!  
  
Thayet: Oh yeah! *Laughs with Alanna* Sorry bud.  
  
Alanna (still laughing): That's ok Thayet.  
  
Neal: Are we missing something?  
  
Kel: I need to get something. *Disappears into bedroom two (not her bedroom by the way*  
  
3.4 BEDROOM TWO  
  
Kel: Daine, hi.  
  
Daine: Hey Kel.  
  
Delia: So you're Kel?  
  
Kel: Yeah.  
  
Delia: You look too stocky to be a woman.  
  
Kel: Thanks.  
  
Daine: So what's up Kel?  
  
Kel: Oh nothing. I'm getting a bit tired of Cleon though.  
  
Daine: What's he doing?  
  
Kel: He's been really great and stuff, you know, being cute and sweet and non-pressuring, but now he's being quite – I don't know, just, just such a – a guy.  
  
Delia: In what way?  
  
Kel: You know.  
  
Daine: what?  
  
Kel (going red): Ah, like, um… the thing married couples do.  
  
Delia: clue…  
  
Kel: Bed each other.  
  
Daine: Oh.  
  
Delia: Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel.  
  
Kel: You know, you're right. You're ok for a crazed psychopath woman.  
  
Delia: It's a rare occasion. Don't get used to it.  
  
This is Big Brother. Please meet at the meal table in two minutes.  
  
**At the table 2 minutes later**  
  
Numair: So why are we here?  
  
You are here to eat.  
  
Dom: To eat what?  
  
Look in the pantry.  
  
*George gets up and opens the pantry. In there are forty-odd stacks of dried meat and thirty-odd stacks of dried fruit. Also two jugs of warm water*  
  
Dig in.  
  
Thayet: You expect us to eat that?!  
  
Yes, AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, GO INTO THE DIARY ROOM.  
  
*Thayet bravely gets up and enters the diary room. She emerges sometime later balling her eyes out*  
  
Now EAT!  
  
**The time is now mid-afternoon**  
  
This is Big Brother. As I call you, you will each enter the diary room for nominations. You will select one person for one point, one person for two points, and one person for three points. The person with three points is the person you want most to go. First up: Cleon.  
  
**In the diary room**  
  
Cleon, who do you want to nominate for one point?  
  
Cleon: For one point, Joren.  
  
Why?  
  
Cleon: He poses as a threat against Kel and my love.  
  
Two Points?  
  
Cleon: Dom.  
  
Why?  
  
Cleon: He poses as a threat against Kel and my love. Remember when I caught him flirting with her?!  
  
Three points?  
  
Cleon: Neal.  
  
Why?  
  
Cleon: He poses as a threat against Kel and my love. Remember when Dom was flirting with Kel? Well Neal's related to Dom! And the whole "Nealan" thing is getting on my nerves.  
  
Well someone's a bit possessive…  
  
**Cleon emerges**  
  
Alanna.  
  
**Alanna enters diary room**  
  
Alanna, who would you like to nominate for one point?  
  
Alanna: Jon.  
  
Why?  
  
Alanna: dunno. But he's annoying Thayet, and she's like, my best friend.  
  
Two points?  
  
Alanna: Neal. I had to spend enough time with him while he was my squire. Believe me, that time was enough.  
  
Three points?  
  
Alanna: Roger. If I don't kill him a third time before he goes.  
  
Me: Alanna, you CAN'T KILL THE CONTESTANTS.  
  
Alanna: Oh yeah.  
  
(A/N – I can't be bothered doing the whole thing 11 more times so I'll just put who nominates who for how many points an why)  
  
KEL –  
  
1 – Cleon. He's way too possessive of me in this house.  
  
2 – Joren. He gives me the shivers, still.  
  
3 – Thayet. She's such a sook!  
  
GEORGE –  
  
1 – Roger. He's evil and he doesn't like my wife.  
  
2 – Thayet. How much can one woman cry?!  
  
3 – Dom. He's annoying me for some reason.  
  
JOREN –  
  
1 – Neal. Never did like that clown.  
  
2 – Cleon. Big oaf. Hope he dies under the Black God's eye.  
  
3 – King Jonathan. How could he let Keladry stay?  
  
DOM –  
  
1 – Neal. My cousin is so annoying.  
  
2 – Numair. I think just because he's such a powerful mage he's the best.  
  
3 – Thayet. God, she's so babyish!  
  
THAYET –  
  
1 – Jon. Need I give reason?  
  
2 – Jon. Need I give reason?  
  
3 – Jon. Need I give reason?  
  
Me: You can't vote for the same person three times.  
  
Thayet: I'm queen, I can.  
  
Me: I'm the author, no you can't.  
  
Thayet: Fine. 1, George, 2, Alanna, 3, Jon.  
  
JON –  
  
1 – Delia. Spiteful cow.  
  
2 – Alanna. Maybe if she goes Thayet will talk to me.  
  
3 – Roger. If he hadn't said anything, nothing would have happened.  
  
NUMAIR –  
  
1 – Thayet. What a baby!  
  
2 – Roger. A man dead twice should stay dead.  
  
3 – Joren. I seem to remember a time when he was fighting with Page Keladry… Daine likes Keladry…  
  
DAINE –  
  
1 – Cleon. He seems to be annoying Kel.  
  
2 – Roger. I think he unnerves Numair.  
  
3 – I'm sorry, but Thayet. She's getting on my nerves!  
  
DELIA –  
  
1 – Jon. How dare he leave me for Alanna and Thayet?  
  
2 – Alanna. She took him first.  
  
3 – Thayet. She took him second.  
  
ROGER –  
  
1 – Thayet. Bloody K'mir.  
  
2 – Jon. How dare he claim my throne…  
  
3 – Alanna. If not for her…  
  
NEAL –  
  
1 – Daine. She's nice and everything, but how come she goes off with Numair? He's too old.  
  
2 – Numair. He's too old for Daine.  
  
3 – Cleon. That "pearl of my heart" stuff really gets to you.  
  
SO! The three Tortallans that have been nominated to leave the house are –  
  
THAYET! With 15 nominations.  
  
ROGER! With 11 nominations. AAANNNDDDDD………….  
  
JON! With 10 nominations.  
  
SO! When you review, either vote Thayet, Roger or Jon. When I feel like going on the net, (after 7 days) I will count the votes. I can't give a definite time, so the sooner you get your votes in the better!!!  
  
~*~kaz~*~ 


	4. Love affairs and evictions!

1 DISCLAIMER – don't own the characters, never have, I just write the script (. Remember PG for language.  
  
2  
  
3 Welcome back to…  
  
TORTALLAN BIG BROTHER!!!!  
  
Hello, one and all, to Tortallan Big Brother. Last time we left you with the nominated three: Thayet, Roger and Jon! Who do you want to go?  
  
The situation: about lunchtime, everyone at the kitchen table.  
  
Thayet: What are we eating?  
  
Daine: We ordered something special for our first organised lunch together!  
  
Thayet: What?  
  
George: You'll see.  
  
*At this point Alanna comes in sporting a large silver platter*  
  
Daine: Place it on the table, Alanna.  
  
*Alanna places platter on the table and lifts the lid*  
  
Alanna: Voila!  
  
*Lifts lid to reveal a chicken head surrounded by a mixture of raw and cooked vegetables drizzled with a camel-coloured sauce*  
  
Thayet: Eww!! What is that?!  
  
Alanna: It's something that the Baron and I eat on special occasions.  
  
Thayet: Well, not meaning any disrespect to you or George, Alanna, but do you actually eat that?  
  
Alanna (draws up chest, obviously offended): Of course! It's called chickaré e de lour vegi. Or, chicken surrounded by vegies. (A/N I just made the name up so don't tell me it sounds French but its spelt incorrectly or anything like that, okies?)  
  
Thayet: But the chicken hasn't even been cooked. (A/N – Perhaps at this time I should describe the platter of food for you. The chicken's head has simply been cut off from its body, unplucked and bleeding on the plate, surrounded in an assortment of roughly cut vegetables, which include leek, broccoli, brussell sprouts, carrots, onions and some sort of yellow vegetable with red dots. Some raw, some cooked. All of it drizzled with some sort of icky coloured sauce that smells like off cheese.)  
  
Alanna: Well if you don't want to eat it, don't.  
  
Thayet (looking green): I think I need to use the necessary.  
  
*Thayet leaves to use the latrine*  
  
Alanna: Ok, bring in the real lunch.  
  
Jon: The real lunch?  
  
Alanna: Yeah. *Leaves then re-enters with a platter full of fresh sandwiches, exotic fruits and Daine brings in pitches full of water, lemonade, ale and wine*  
  
Jon: Thay-  
  
Alanna: Shut up you dimwit!  
  
Jon: What? Thayet will want to know we are going to eat.  
  
Daine: Don't you see the point of this? Weren't you at the briefing with the author?  
  
Cleon: No, remember? He had important king's business to attend to.  
  
Roger: That business would have been mine if not for her *jerks thumb at Alanna*  
  
Alanna: You were going to kill Jon.  
  
Roger: Duh.  
  
Alanna: Well he's my prince. I serve him, idiot.  
  
Roger: Well I really don't give a rat's ass about it, do I?  
  
Kel: Give it a rest! You're giving me a headache!  
  
Jon: What about a briefing with the author…  
  
Alanna: Well I told you about it, remember? We're 'sposed to shame Thayet out of the house –  
  
Me: HEY! You're not supposed to say that on AIR!  
  
Dom: Air? What air? We breathe air!  
  
Me: No, no, I mean, in front of the "camera", or the person who types this stuff up. (Me :P)  
  
Joren: COULD WE JUST EAT? I'M HUNGRY!  
  
Daine: That chicken head kind of put me off. I think I'll see how Thayet is doing. *Leaves*  
  
Dom: Yah, me too.  
  
Neal: Uh… me three.  
  
Cleon: I think I'll go with Dom.  
  
Delia: **no response**  
  
Alanna: Delia? Delia? Where is she?  
  
*Sticks head under the table*  
  
Alanna: Ohhhhh. Jon, she's fainted.  
  
Jon: Why should I care?!  
  
Kel: I'm going to bed.  
  
Joren: Well, if no one objects… *grabs platter and runs to room*  
  
Roger: Oi! *Runs after him*  
  
George: I'm hungry too! *Follows Roger*  
  
*Everyone else leaves table too*  
  
BEDROOM ONE  
  
Joren: Mm, this is nice.  
  
Roger (with mouth full): Good 'ood.  
  
George: Uh huh.  
  
*Little do they know that Alanna is just around the corner of Bedroom One with sword in hand waiting for the right moment to launch her attack*  
  
Roger cocks his head. Roger: What was that noise?  
  
Alanna (Leaping in for her attack): Hee YA!  
  
Roger: Aaahhhhhh!  
  
*Alanna promptly kills Roger with her sword*  
  
Me: Alanna! You know what I told you before!  
  
Alanna: But…  
  
Me: NO! No excuses young lady!  
  
Alanna: I am not a young lady! I'm a knight! I'm Sir/Lady Alanna of Trebond, King's Champion, Baroness of Pirate's Swoop, heir to Barony Olau!  
  
Me: It doesn't matter! You could be the King's Queen for all I care!  
  
Thayet (appearing out of nowhere): Hey! That's my title!  
  
Alanna: Rack off Thayet!  
  
Thayet (sulky): Fine then. *Disappears*  
  
Me: You must go to the diary room now to confer with Big Brother!  
  
Alanna: Aww…  
  
Me: NOW!  
  
DIARY ROOM  
  
BB: Alanna. Alanna, Alanna, Alanna.  
  
Alanna: What?  
  
BB: You knew the rules.  
  
Alanna: I did?  
  
BB: But you broke the rules anyway.  
  
Alanna: What rules?  
  
BB: I have no choice in this matter.  
  
Alanna: What bloody matter?!  
  
BB: You are disqualified from the house.  
  
Alanna (jumping to her feet): WHAT?!?!?!?!  
  
BB: I told you, I have no choice.  
  
Alanna: That's bull s***!  
  
BB: NOW! Go pack your things and leave!  
  
*Alanna sulks out of the room, turning around just before she leaves the door and pokes her tongue out at the glass screen that contains Big Brother*  
  
BEDROOM ONE  
  
Alanna (muttering): Stupid Big Brother why did I even come into this house in the first place whatever possessed me I could have saved money on a baby sitter for Mithros' sake…  
  
Jon: You're leaving then?  
  
Alanna: Yes. Got kicked out for killing Roger a third time.  
  
Delia: Aw. Too bad Sir Alanna. I'll really miss you.  
  
Alanna: Piss off Delia.  
  
*Finishes packing and turns to Jon*  
  
Alanna: This is something I've always wanted to do Jon. *Kisses Jon long and passionately.  
  
Alanna: There.  
  
Jon: **speechless**  
  
Thayet: I knew it! I knew it I knew it I knew it!!!!  
  
(A/N – Now that this has happened I just want everyone to know that I am a G/A fan, Jon is a prig. But hey, it's called a "twist in the tale")  
  
Jon: Well, um, Thayet –  
  
*Thayet runs off crying*  
  
Alanna: Goodbye Jon.  
  
*Disappears*  
  
(Big Brother)  
  
Everyone in the Common room.  
  
*Everyone moves into Common room*  
  
(BB) It is time for the eviction.  
  
*Thayet and Jon (the remaining two) squirm in their seats*  
  
3.1 It is time to go…  
  
THAYET  
  
Thayet: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jon: Oh, honey…  
  
Delia: Good riddance. Hehehe now I can have Jonathan for myself *Muwahahahahaha!*  
  
Thayet (crying): Oh Daine, Kel, my girls, I'll miss you oh so much!  
  
Daine: I know Thayet.  
  
Kel: Me too.  
  
Numair: I'll see you round, Thayet.  
  
Cleon: Byebye Your Highness.  
  
Thayet (still crying): Bye Cleon.  
  
Neal: Cya!  
  
Dom: I'm more compassionate. Later!  
  
George: I'm sorry Thayet. Give Alanna a spanking for me.  
  
Thayet (grinning evilly): I will.  
  
(BB) Time for you to go!  
  
*Thayet disappears*  
  
~*~  
  
omg that chapter was *yawn* so boring and SO not funny. I can't crack a joke!!! This chapter is pathetic. The next one will be better. I'll have less love affair problems and more humour, cause this chapter sux! (And hopefully I'll be in a better mood than this shitty one)  
  
kaz 


	5. BB - NEW AUTHOR NEEDED!!!!!

*PG13+ for language peoples DISCLAIMER - take heed to this bit of information! I don't own the Tortallan characters! Or the Big Brother idea! But I DO own all the bits of writing so if you nick it *smiles sweetly* you'll have a lawyer at your door before you can say. "doh!" WELCOME BACK TO. TORTALLAN BIG BROTHER!  
  
Welcome!  
  
When we last left the housemates, they were just about to find out their tasks for the week.  
  
(BB) Housemates, your task for the week is.  
  
To dress up in chicken costumes and learn a synchronised swimming movement in the pool out back! Neal: What pool? All: Yeah, what pool? Neal [to himself] {in sing-songy voice} (to the tune of "you want to hug me, you want to squeeze me.(miss congeniality) they all copied meeeeee, I must be special, I am-a luv-ed, I must be pretty. All: Shut up Nealan! Neal: *sobbing* It's Neeaaaaaaaall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me: *sigh* Neal, GROW UP! Neal: *meekly* Ok. Me: Okiedokie den, back to the task!  
  
(BB) As I was saying, your task is to dress up in chicken suits which will be provided, and choreograph a synchronised swimming act in the pool which is now in your back yard. Daine: Oh how splendid! Can I call the swans to help us? Me: Nope, no, no way, sorry, against the rules. Daine: oh poo. Jon: I don't think Kings can threaten their dignity by swimming. Me: I don't give a damn what Kings can and can't do, I'm the author/director/producer/big-brother so I have power over all of you, King or thief. George: You'd better not be referring to me, because I am not no thief no more anyways, or not any ol' commoner that speaks with no awful grammar no ways. Me: Okay. Delia: Does it have to be chicken costumes? How about a lovely emerald- coloured swimsuit? Me: NO! Delia: Blue? Me: NO! Delia: Aqua? Me: NO! Delia: Purple? Me: NO! Delia: Yellow? Me: NO! Delia: ANY colour swimsuit? Me: Well. *Delia uses puppy eyes* Me: Uh! Fine! *Swimsuit appears in front of Delia. *Is almost in pieces, has blue bits, orange bits, pink bits, red bits, patched bits and torn bits* *And is faded* Delia: Ewww. Me: It's that or the chicken suit, lovey. Delia: *sigh* alright, alright. Joren: Ok, ok, so we get what we have to do, but why do we have to do it? Me: So you can earn money. Joren: Why? Me: So you can buy food. Joren: Why? Me: So you can eat. Joren: Why? Me: So you can survive? Joren: Why? Me: Well, Joren, I really don't know why people want you to survive, as you are an annoying twit who can't shut up. Joren: Why? Me: THAT'S IT!! *Uses author/director/producer/big-brother power to blast Joren to other end of the room* Me: Muwahahahahahahaaaaa!! You asked for it dimwit! Joren: Hey! No one calls me a dimwit and gets away with it! *Sword appears in his hand with a shimmery cloud of orange* Me: HEY! Since when did you get the Gift? An ORANGE Gift?!?!?! Joren: My turn to laugh - Muwahahahahahahaaaaa - *cough*cough* ok, laugh over now - you nitwits didn't even realise - before Roger was killed a third time, he passed his Gift over to meeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Me: Ugh. Can't you evil dudes give it a REST? I mean, seriously, how many attempts have you guys made to take over the world? Think of something more original! Joren: Uh, well, I mean. hey! Leave us bad guys alone! It's not written in our minds "creativity" just "evil"! It's not our fault! Me: *taunty voice* yes it is. Joren: No it isn't. Me: Is. Joren: Isn't. Me: Is. Joren: Isn't. Me: IS times a hundred! Joren: ISN'T times a thousand! Me: IS times infinity! Joren: ISN'T times infinity and ten! Me: IS TIMES INFINITY A THOUSAND TIMES! Joren: ISN'T TIMES INFINITY A MILLION TIMES! Me: IS TIMES INFINIY A BILLION TIMES! Joren: ISN'T TIMES INFINITY A TRILLION TIMES! Me: IS TIMES INFINITY AN INFINITY TIMES!!! *Pokes tongue out at Joren* Joren: Bitch! Me: evil bastard dude! Joren: Quit the evil dude thing! It's old! Me: *sigh* can't we settle this like mature adults? Joren: No! Me: I thought as much. You're just an immature baby. Joren: *crying* I am not!!!!!!!!! Me: Baby, baby, Joren is a baby. Joren: WAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! Stop being mean!!!!!! *runs off crying into bedroom* Me: Well that settles that! Joren is officially a baby! Joren: *screaming from bedroom* Am not you big cow! Me: You little.! No one calls me that and gets away with it! *Flies into bedroom and kicks Joren's sorry butt from here to Minnesota, which is a long way from Australia.* Kel: What have you done? Joren-poo, Kelly-welly's coming to save yoooouuuu. .! *Kel runs into room*Neal looks shocked*Everyone is appalled*We hear banging in bedroom*Kel comes out with mussed up hair* Kel: D'you think I actually CARED for him? Yah, right. I just kicked his butt further than Minnesota. *winks at me and gives me high five* Me: Alright, I think we have a winner! Everyone (but Kel): What? Me: Kidding, kidding - now, first nominations, then you can start preparing for your task test at the end of the week! Everyone: Groan.  
  
~*~ The three people up for nominations this week are. - . - . - .  
  
1. JOREN! (Main reason: Kel and that gal (me() kicked his ass. What kind of a guy is he? {Answer: no guy at all}) 2. NEAL! (Main reason: That "Nealan" thing get son your nerves after a while.) 3. DELIA! (Main reason: who wouldn't want to wear a chicken costume?!) ~*~  
  
Ok, I've been thinking, and I'm not really a very funny person. or to phrase that better, I'm not really the best person to write comedy fics, so I am willing to hand this fic over to one lucky writer who can prove to me via a review that they can make this fic funnier than present. Plus, I really don't have time to write this fic anyway :P. So, prove to me that you will take good care of this fic and update often, I will give you the rights to write further chapters of my story and post these chapters, even though these first five I will own. Do you get that? Hope you do! Luv ya, ~*~kaz~*~ 


	6. Author's Note

Hey! This is just a quick note to tell you that Lady Alanna Salmalin of Conte (her new pen-name, Queen of Fluff) will be taking over Tortallan Big Brother! Three Cheers for her! *HIP HURRAY*HIPHURRAY*HIP HURRAY*!!! So for further chapters, go see "Queen of Fluff".  
  
(I'm really sorry if you wanted me to continue, but the truth is I just don't have time. all this weekend will be filled with homework! It's just unfair. I'm sorry, but don't despair. new Alanna story coming up!)  
  
LOVE YOU ALL! ~*~kaz~*~ 


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